They're in the bath, pointing between their legs, and they ask you what that's called. And you hear yourself say “pee-pee,” or some word from your own childhood that you couldn't trace if you tried. If they'd asked about their elbow, you wouldn't have hesitated.
Talking to a young child about their body, and about what they can come and tell you, sounds like a big, serious talk that's scary to start. In practice it happens in bits and pieces, with short sentences you repeat at bath time or while getting them dressed, and the first one is the answer to that question.
What to say at bath time
Answer the way you would if it were their elbow: penis, vulva, testicles, buttocks. In the same voice, and without rushing to change the subject. If you've already said “pee-pee,” that's okay: next time, tell them what it's really called too.
With girls, “vagina” tends to get used for everything, but what you see on the outside is the vulva; the vagina is the passage inside.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends teaching the correct names for all body parts, genitals included, because using nicknames can suggest there's something bad about them. There's a practical reason too: with the right word, a child can explain that it stings when they pee or that someone touched them there, and whoever is listening understands without having to guess. The nicknames you use at home don't have to go away; your child just needs to know the real name as well.
If it feels awkward, say the words out loud a few times when no one's around; they soon sound like any other word.
What a swimsuit covers is private
Young children understand this boundary well: the parts a swimsuit covers are private. At home you can put it like this: “This is yours, and it's private. Nobody gets to touch it or take pictures of it, and nobody should ask you to touch or look at theirs, not even on a screen.” You don't have to say it all in one day.
It helps if the rule includes the exceptions they're going to come across, because otherwise the first visit to the pediatrician contradicts it: “I help you wash, and so does whoever's looking after you, and the doctor checks you with me right there. That's how we take care of you.” And always end the same way: if someone touches them there and they don't know why, or something makes them feel weird, they can tell you.
Their “no” starts to count at home too: if they say “stop” in the middle of being tickled, you stop, even if they're laughing.
At these ages it's very common for children to touch themselves, sometimes in front of others, and to be curious about other children's bodies. The same AAP guide lists this among the normal, common behaviors from ages two to six. There's no need to scold. One sentence is enough: “You can touch your body, but that's something you do alone, in your room.” If you catch them playing doctor with another child their age, same thing: no drama, remind them of the rule and suggest another game.
It's worth talking to your pediatrician, though, if the play involves one child forcing another, imitates adult sexual acts, causes pain, or is something your child can't stop even when you suggest something else. The same goes for play between children of very different ages or sizes.
That's how they learn that private doesn't mean bad. It doesn't mean secret either.
How to explain the difference between a surprise and a secret
You can explain it by how long it lasts. A surprise is something you keep for a little while and then tell, and when you tell it, everyone is happy. Everything else fits in one sentence: “If anyone asks you not to tell me something, you can tell me anyway, and you will never get in trouble for that.”
This rule matters so much because of what the AAP's guide to preventing child sexual abuse explains: the person who abuses a child is usually someone the child knows, uses words more often than force, and often asks the child not to tell. That's why you give your child the rule this way, covering everyone, including the people they love and older kids. The why is for you, so that you don't make exceptions for anyone; there's no need to explain it to them.
“Don't tell Mom I gave you chocolate” is harmless, but it teaches them that sometimes an adult asks them to keep something quiet. It's easy to turn it around with a “we'll tell Mom later,” and just like that it's a surprise. If the one doing it is Grandpa, you can bring it up with him the same way, as a house rule and without suspecting anyone.
A list of adults they can tell
Ask them who they would tell if something was worrying them, and make the list together: a few specific people, with names and faces.
It's better if not all of them are from your household. The same guide notes that many children wait a long time before telling anyone about something like this, and that when they do, it isn't always their parents they tell. Don't take that as a verdict on you; it's the reason for them to have more than one door to knock on. It could be their teacher, or a grandmother who doesn't live with you.
And tell them that if they tell a grown-up and that grown-up doesn't listen, they should tell another one.
Will talking about this scare them?
What has been measured suggests it won't. Cochrane, a network of researchers that brings together and summarizes the studies on a given question, reviewed school-based prevention programs: children came away knowing more, and in the studies that looked at their anxiety and fear, there was no sign of either going up. Those were elementary and secondary school students, in class and with professionals, so for bath time at home it's a reasonable guide.
Said the way you tell them to hold your hand when you cross the street, without lowering your voice, it's just one more rule. And you never need to bring up bad people at all.
No conversation makes a four-year-old responsible for keeping themselves safe. That's the adults' job, and if something ever did happen, it would not be because of how you explained it.
If one day they tell you something
Almost everything they tell you will be small: a kid pushed them at the playground, or someone laughed at their drawing. How you take those things gradually teaches them what happens when they tell you something. If what they get back is a scolding, they learn to keep quiet, the same thing that happens when they own up to some mischief.
At these ages, serious things often don't arrive as a tidy story. They come out sideways and in pieces, in the car or in the bath, and sometimes your child takes it back later; taking it back doesn't mean it was a lie. If what they tell you is serious, or you're not sure whether it is:
- Keep your face calm, even if you're not calm inside. They're watching how you react.
- Thank them and tell them you believe them: “Thank you for telling me. I believe you, and it's not your fault.”
- Ask very little. A simple “And what happened?” and then let them talk. Avoid questions that already carry the answer, such as “Did so-and-so touch you?” At these ages, the question can end up becoming part of what they tell you. Don't have them repeat it to other relatives either, and don't ask them about it again days later.
- Don't promise to keep it a secret. Tell them you're going to tell someone who can help.
- Don't talk to that person or confront them, and in the meantime, make sure your child isn't left alone with them.
- Write down what they said, in their own words, along with what you asked them and when.
Get help that same day, from your pediatrician, child protection services or the police. If you don't know who to call, look up the child helpline in your country. If there's immediate danger, call emergency services, and if the contact was recent, go to the emergency room without bathing your child or washing their clothes.
Don't wait until you're sure. Working out what happened isn't something that can be done from home, and it isn't your job.
A story with a warning pinch
There's no wolf in Semillita's Little Red Riding Hood Adaptation. On the way to her Nana Yewande's house, Amara comes across a little lamb who is crying because she has lost something far from the path. Amara follows her, feels a pinch in her belly and gets back on her path, even though the little lamb complains that no one ever stays to help her. All the little lamb uses is her sadness.
When she arrives, Amara tells Nana everything she felt, including her doubt: what if the little lamb really needed help? Nana doesn't scold her or grill her. She tells her she understands that it hurts to have left the lamb behind, and that the pinch was her body taking care of her: “When you feel it, you can stop. Always.”
In the story, the little lamb is someone Amara has just met. When you talk about it at home, it's worth adding that “always” counts just as much with people your child knows, and that the swimsuit rule still applies even if they don't feel anything weird. It's meant for children aged four and five.
Little Red Riding Hood Adaptation
The warning pinch · When the body speaks, we must listen
Amara is a brave girl who learns to listen to her own body's signals. On her way to the forest, she meets a little lamb who seems sad and needs help, putting her faced with the great challenge of trusting her somatic instinct above social compassion. But the story doesn't end with the decision: it ends with the telling, with the trust of telling someone.
Read this children's story in the Semillita appNext post: how to explain asking permission to a three-year-old, and why other people's “no” counts too.
